Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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