Fine. I'll sleep in my office
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
