When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
His nipple licking is glorious
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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