I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
