if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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