worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
