I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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