Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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