wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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