i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
