people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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