I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
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