Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
