just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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