I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
