i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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