His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
