Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
