kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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