So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
