I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
honey bunches of taint.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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