that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
