im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
i think i just lost a toe
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
