yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
this boner is exhausting
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
