Me. At least after what I've been through.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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