I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
