shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
