I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize
