this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
