There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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