every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
