FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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