I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
