His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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