so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
