Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
