I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Text me some of your sweat
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
