Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
