Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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