thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
