You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I believe in your delicious
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