note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
and she was petting her beer can
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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