I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Randomize
