I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
