I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
