how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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