Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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