new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
