i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
