From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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